By Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC

If you are like many women, you might sometimes experience “low libido” or diminished interest in sex.  If you are lucky, this might be temporary or might be addressed quite simply with hormone replacement therapy.  But for many women, there is more to it than that.  There are many causes of low libido and it can be complicated to find what’s really causing the problem.  The important thing to remember is that this is a common problem. In fact, a 2006 study put the incidence at 68%, so you are not alone.  There are solutions. You are worth it.  Your sex life is worth it.

As you read through this list, it’s important to remember that a physical cause may show up as feeling or aversion.  Emotions can cause physical symptoms. What may seem like the obvious cause for low libido may or may not be the place to start to address it. For many women, it’s helpful to have some expert guidance and support in sorting it all out.

Physical causes can include:
Hormone imbalance (low libido is common in menopause, as is vaginal dryness)
Side effects from medications (to name a few:  for anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, allergies)
Stress (from your relationship, work, financial issues, child-rearing, etc.)
Painful intercourse (perhaps related to low estrogen)
Fatigue, whether from illness or lack of sleep
Alcohol (it reduces inhibition but numbs sex drive) and some non-prescription drugs
Various medical conditions (endocrine disorders, gynecological and urological difficulties, etc.)

Psychological causes can include:
Lack of intimacy in the relationship (and not feeling emotionally safe)
Unresolved anger or power struggles that get expressed in bed
Trauma reactions to physical or emotional harm
Depression (may be a symptom or a cause)
Issues around body image
Fear of pregnancy
Negative messages about sex from family, religion or culture

Practical causes can include:
Lack of privacy
Overly busy lives
Awkward contraception
Lack of knowledge about your sexual responsiveness
Differences in sexual styles or levels of interest

 Copyright 2010 by Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC 303-530-7080 SatTaraTherapy.com

Basically, what you think about during sex helps determine how you want to be touched and is an important factor in whether you reach orgasm. It’s interesting to discover which style(s) or mind-sets you prefer: sexual trance, partner engagement and/or role play. They are more important to communicate to your partner than specific techniques. This way of thinking about sexual experience is taken from David Schnarch’s book, Passionate Marriage.

Sexual Trance

Sexual Trance involves focusing on your body’s sensations.  If this is your preferred style you like:

Sex in private settings with few distractions, including talking

A relaxed mood.

An inward focus on your sensuality, a magic carpet of sensations and so like to “take turns”.

Touching in slow-paced motions.

And…

Sex for you is like an altered state of consciousness.

Fantasies may be hard to share because they are wordless or involve images.

If you are superficially into trance sex, the “sensate focus exercises” of Masters and Johnson are applicable, but not as you get into it more.

Sexual trance sex can be intimate if both partners prefer it and are good at it. However, it requires partially coming out of the trance to connect with your partner directly.

Partner Engagement Sex

If your sexual mind-set is all about your emotional bond with your partner, then this is your style and involves:

Lots of affection, eye-gazing, romance, and courtship-like behavior.

Mutual pleasuring and face-to-face positions.

And…

“Good sex” is merging with your partner and deeply knowing each other’s essence.

There is a range of partner engagement sex that reflects the quality of the interpersonal relationship, the unresolved personal issues, the capacity of the individuals to love, etc.

In the ideal form of partner engagement, orgasm is surrendering yourself to oneness, spiritual rebirth and a mutual celebration of life.

Role Play Sex

If you like drama and acting out erotic fantasies, then this is your preferred style and:

You might like the settings to be dramatic and exhibitionistic.

You are intrigued by props, toys, and clothes make a difference.

It’s fun to become the role you are acting out and you don’t fear being “phoney”.

Orgasms tend to be expressive.

You want your partner to participate in the script.

Different scripts allow you to explore different parts of yourself.

Bringing it All Together

How can you use this information to improve your sex life?  You can use this article as a discussion-starter with your partner.  Do you know your style and that of your partner? Women generally prefer partner engagement and men prefer sexual trance.  Is this true for you and your partner? In reality, you may like more than one style or you might shift from one to the other. If you find that you typically avoid one style, what would happen if you and your partner experimented with it?  How could you go deeper into your favorite style?  What is your “sexual potential”?

Remember that it is normal to feel hesitate or fearful about a new style and that differences between you and your partner are opportunities to expand and explore!

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.

303-530-7080, SatTaraTherapy.com

Please note: there are causes for conflict not addressed in this article, such as spousal abuse, addiction, personality disorders, extreme trauma, etc.  These are more serious and involve extensive therapeutic intervention.

Here are the 9 reasons couples argue, as well as some thoughts about other options:

1) Fighting can be a way to create connection, similar to the way an ignored child might act up to gain attention.  This is called “negative intimacy”. For a spouse who feels consistently emotionally neglected, they think, at least in a fight there is some interaction.  I like to call it a new form of “Attention Deficit Disorder”.  It is helpful if the need for attention and connection can be recognized for what it is, requested from the other person, openly received, and responded to with rejoicing.  I call it the 4 R’s:  recognition, request, receiving, and rejoicing.

2) Fighting can also create distance between people, especially if it is unresolved.  It can be a way to push the other person away.  Sometimes that occurs because intimacy has long been associated with emotional pain so that creating a fight is a way to feel safe just when intimacy is looming. It can also be because more private time is needed, more space between the two people. John Gray refers to the male need for this as “cave time”.  It is how some people renew themselves and is actually healthy.  However, it’s more peaceful to identify the need and simply create the space without creating the conflict.

3) Sometimes a fight is about “relationship baggage”.  The guy has been leaving his dirty laundry for the wife to pick up for months and she picks it up without saying anything.  Underneath, her resentment is building.  Finally, one day he leaves a pair of socks on the floor and she blows up at him. Yes, this is not only about socks, it can be about sex, money, hurtful behavior, etc. It takes some time, energy, cooperation and courage to sit down and start to work through some of the old baggage you each carry.

4) Arguments can arise when one or both feel plain old grumpy. This can arise from physical stress such as being overly tired, hungry, PMSy, etc.  It can arise from emotional stress such as being upset about something outside the relationship, finances, etc.  The trick here is to identify and take responsibility for the stress and not put it on the other person.  It can be effective to say, “I’m in a foul mood and I could sure use some support in the form of ….”  Avoiding an argument requires that you distinguish between what is yours, the other person’s, or the communication between you two.

5) Your individual responsibility for conflict can also relate to feelings that get triggered by the other person’s behavior.  Let’s say that your partner comes home from work and requests alone time to process a tough day.  This reminds you of a parent who was typically emotionally withdrawn. All of a sudden, you are flooded with the same feelings of emotional abandonment that you experienced as a child.  You react to those old feelings rather than the present behavior of your partner. It is helpful for you both to learn to recognize how you each get triggered so you can not lay it on the other person. It’s even better if you can develop strategies to help each other through these emotional flare ups.

6) Sometimes we take things personally that really don’t deserve to be understood that way.  Here you want to be careful of taking too much responsibility. The technical name is “introjection”.  It means too often you think it is your fault when it is not. This is especially prevalent in co-dependent relationships.  It is healthy to understand that by taking too much responsibility you actually do a disservice to the other person and limit their growth.

7) Arguments can be an attempt to get the other person to change behavior you don’t like.  Unfortunately they are not very effective because the other person feels attacked and is less motivated to change or feels less able to change.  Or the other person changes but then resents it.  Here are some questions to ask yourself: Have you clearly identified the changes you are requesting?  Does your partner see the situation the same way… or do you understand each other’s point of view?  Is the person able and willing to make this change?  Is it a request rather than a demand, that is, does the other person feel free to say “no”? What is your plan if the other person is unable or unwilling to change?  Can the problem be solved in another way?

Conflict can arise from unrealistic expectations.  For example, if your spouse is unusually shy and you love to go to parties, that pattern may not change.  If you are athletic and love to be outdoors and your spouse is a bookworm, that may be a difference you can learn to work around. Are you expecting your partner to be other than who they are?  I also like to acknowledge that sometimes a quality I don’t like in someone is the flip side of a quality I do like. For example, if your spouse works long hours and provides well financially, it comes with the territory that they will have less time for the family.

9) Sometimes an argument grows out of a misunderstanding, one that may be simple or complex. Are you using words in the same way? Was your agreement with the other person clear at the beginning?  It is a good idea to check your understanding of a problem at the beginning of an upset.

Why go through all this trouble to avoid fighting?  To create a peaceful relationship where both partners feel free to be themselves, openly express their feelings and thoughts, open their hearts, and relax.  Aaaahhhhh!

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC, copyright 2009, all rights reserved.  303-530-7080, sattaratherapy.com

There are different ways to handle conflict: some people collaborate, others accommodate and focus on the other person’s needs. Some people compete and others compromise. You may have run across someone who avoids conflict. Have you ever thought about all the creative ways of avoiding conflict? Mayer lists eight different ways:

1) Aggressive Avoidance (“Don’t Start with Me or You’ll Regret it”) Intimidation is used to keep the other person from engaging in conflict.

2) Passive Avoidance (“I Refuse to Tango”): This would include withdrawing from a relationship, avoiding contact, being inappropriately silent, using distraction, etc.

3) Passive Aggressive Avoidance (“If You are Angry at Me, That’s Your Problem”): These folks don’t admit they are provoking the other person. They get others to react using verbal “hit and run.”

4) Avoidance Through Hopelessness (“What’s the Use?”): These folks give up before they start by inaccurately defining the problem as unsolveable.

5) Avoidance Through Surrogates (“Let’s You and Them Fight”): These avoiders let others fight their battles for them, or take it out on easier surrogate targets.

6) Avoidance Through Denial (“If I Close my Eyes, It Will Go Away”): This is the ostrich approach. The existence of the problem may denied, or perhaps its seriousness.

7) Avoidance Through Premature Problem Solving (“There’s No Conflict: I have Fixed Everything”): To truly resolve a conflict the timing must be right, the feelings expressed and understood, the values articulated. Making a shortcut around this process tends to be ineffective.

Avoiding by Folding (“OK, We’ll Do It Your Way; Now Can We Talk About Something Else?”): This is caving in, sacrificing one’s own important needs, and taking on too much responsibility.

Once you become away of these approaches, you might catch yourself or someone else using them. Awareness is the first step towards change and empowerment!

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C., copyright 2007 (303) 530-7080, Sattaratherapy.com

Do you know that farm life can teach us about emotional intimacy? The following observations are easy to identify but more challenging to put into practice. They also recycle through during a relationship.

Fertilize and prepare the soil: This is your inner work to become the best you in every area of your life including: physical health, emotional health, professional success (as you see it), inner peace, public service, finances, parenting, etc. Obviously, no one is perfect in every area. Just do the best you can and keep moving towards your goals knowing that you are working towards an intimate relationship.

Don’t step in the poop: Avoid the things that set you back from intimacy. At every moment we are faced with choices. This means deciding not to get further involved with someone you know is not good for you. Get the support you need to help you make the right ones.

Choose good quality seeds: You may be doing everything right, but if you choose a partner who is has a low IQ (intimacy quotient) the likelihood of have a successfully intimate relationship drops dramatically. In some ways, this is the most important step.

Plant the right crop for the soil and season: You may pick a fantastic person for a partner, but are they right for you? Remember, it’s the Combination of you two together that counts.

Water when necessary: The intimacy in your relationship must be maintained by loving actions on a daily basis. Find ways to surprise, delight and nourish your partner and do them often! Identify what works for you and communicate that to your partner.

Watch for pests and blight: Challenges happen. Don’t let problems fester. Get help when needed. When you can, proactively know how you will handle tough times.

Wait patiently while it grows: Intimacy is not instantaneous. If you have a partner with a good IQ and you consistently build trust, it may be natural for intimacy to blossom.

Have a place to store the harvest: How large is your container for happiness? Do you have any subconscious programs that limit how happy you can be? Do you need to take care of any self-sabotaging patterns?

Harvest at the right time: Timing is everything. When someone goes for intimacy before the timing is rights, it is perceived as intrusive. That’s picking the crop too early. Not catching the moment is perceived as less interested in intimacy. That’s letting the crop sit in the field and spoil. This is true in the early stages of a relationship, like dating, but it also holds true in long term relationships as they evolve.

Recycle the byproducts: It is possible to have your relationship running so well that what might have been an argument is fodder for more closeness. If something goes amiss, learn from it so you have a deeper understanding.

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C., copyright 2009

A client of mine, “Lee”, was married to someone we shall call “Terry.” Terry was the CEO of a medium-sized company and was well-known and well-respected. Terry was highly skilled at dealing with people in the business setting and came across as competent and confident. Terry’s goal was to accumulate tens of millions of dollars and to hang out with celebrities. Terry was extremely bright and throughout childhood was honored for impressive intellectual achievements. Terry could be a bit arrogant and looked down on Lee.

Whenever they had a fight, or even a disagreement, Terry could never accept what Lee thought was Terry’s share of the responsibility. They tried going to a marriage counselor, but when the therapist tried to point out to Terry’s role in the conflict, Terry was sure that the therapist didn’t know what he was doing.

Terry liked to bask in approval and admiration. Terry often sought out and was surrounded by emotionally needy people. This dynamic seemed to feed Terry.

For Lee, it was frustrating to be in a relationship with Terry who never seemed to fully engage in the relationship and seemed to have one foot out the door. The other thing that concerned Lee was Terry’s risk taking behavior that Lee thought of as thrill-seeking. Lee was glad Terry wasn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol, but in Lee’s opinion was an “adrenal junkie.” Lee was also concerned about Terry’s relationship to the children. Terry enjoyed being the “fun parent” but when it came to discipline, setting limits, or being a role model for responsible behavior, Terry wasn’t interested.

The marriage of Lee and Terry eventually ended in divorce. It was a tough divorce. Terry was reluctant to give Lee and the children financial support. Lee needed the support because during the marriage Lee had put postponed career advancement to support Terry.  When Lee tried to make Terry understand, Terry showed little empathy. To Terry, since the marriage was over, it was time for a “clean break” and to be free to move on with life.

If this sounds familiar and you would like to speak with me about your case, I can be reached at 303-530-7080.

The Technical Definition

Does any of this sound familiar? You may be dealing with a narcissist. It is more common than you think. Here is what the DSM-IV says about “Narcissist Personality Disorder.” (The DSM-IV is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders put out by the American Psychiatric Association.) A word of caution here.  Once you pin a label on someone, it tends to shut the door on continuing to understand them more deeply and distracts you from seeing their behaviors as misguided attempts to meet fundamental human needs.

“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or how own ends

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

So what are the 11 Rules for dealing with a narcissist?

1) As I say on one of my CD’s, don’t expect an elephant to fly. That is, don’t expect a narcissist to act like someone who doesn’t have this disorder. Do Not expect empathy. The narcissist is not capable of it.

2) The focus is always on their own best interests. In negotiation, frame the outcomes in terms of what works for them.

3) Don’t base your self-esteem on their opinion of you. In a sense, other people do not fully exist for the narcissist.

4) Don’t believe their confidence. Underneath the bravado is a wounded being who is so scared they can’t let other people in or dare to consider their faults.

5) Carefully assess your role in conflicts. The narcissist will try to lay it All at your doorstep. Examine for yourself what is really yours and what is theirs. Narcissists “project” blame onto others. If you take on too much that is called “introjection.” Consider that is it Not You!

6) Have pity for them. Their inability to take responsibility and examine their flaws keep them tragically Stuck.

7) Narcissism has elements of emotional numbness. It’s hard for the narcissist to experience the joys of interpersonal love and closeness. Admiration always implies emotional distance. Expect the narcissist to seek thrills as a way to feel life.

It’s a good idea to get agreements in writing. If, down the road, the narcissist decides that the agreement doesn’t suit them, there is a risk of their backing out.

9) A parent’s narcissism can be tough on children. On some level the children can feel that this parent is not really there for them. Often it is more subtle, the narcissist’s world includes the children as an extension of themselves. As the children mature and challenge the narcissist, they will become less interested in the children, or even hostile towards them.

10) Understand that it is extremely difficult for a narcissist to make use of psychotherapy. The therapist is in a tricky position: the moment the therapist disagrees, confronts or questions is the moment the narcissist will have trouble tolerating the therapy and often declares the therapist incompetent.

11) Distinguish between immaturity/self-centeredness and narcissism. It’s not likely that a narcissist will wonder whether they are a narcissist!

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C. Copyright 2007 303-530-7080, sattaratherapy.com

I seek the company of other people frequently.

2. I am able to trust a member of the opposite sex.

3. I feel reasonably ready to go on a date.

4. I maintain my sense of self in a relationship.

5. I feel ready to work on a long-term relationship.

6. I can relate to my ex in a reasonable manner.

7. I can usually reveal secrets easily to the right person.

8. I am a loner.

9. My parents had a healthy relationship.

10. I feel ready to be sexual in a relationship with someone I trust.

11. I have some fears about being with someone sexually.

12. I have many close friends.

13. I handle criticism well.

14. I have had a healthy sexual relationship in the past.

15. I am usually comfortable when anger or disagreements first arise in a relationship.

16. I can go 24 hours without a thought about my past relationship.

17. I am comfortable with my body.

18. I have abused substances for a period of time in the past 5 years.

19. I am comfortable if I realize someone is attracted to me.

20. I experienced physical or sexual abuse as a child.

21. I experienced a good level of intimacy in my last relationship.

22. My parents were easy to open up to.

23. When I meet a person, they usually like me.

24. I know my own relationship patterns.

25. I think I could be ready for an exclusive relationship six months from now.

RELATIONSHIP READINESS REVIEWI am currently offering a 3-session personal package I call RELATIONSHIP READINESS REVIEW to help you better asses your readiness to have a healthy, fulfilling long-term relationship.

Areas of focus include:

The ability to deal with fear, rejection, shyness, and isolation

Assessing if a potential partner is a good candidate for intimacy

Learning how to stop working against yourself in intimate relationships

What to look for in a partner so they suit your individual strengths and weaknesses

Gaining confidence in dating, choosing a partner and in relationships

Focused work on the specific areas that hold you back from having a healthy, happy, healing relationship

This process can be educational, empowering, and deeply healing. You can give me a call at 303-530-7080. I look forward to hearing from you!

IF you ask married people why their marriage works, they are probably not going to say it’s because they found their financial soul mate.

But if they are lucky, they have. Marrying a person who shares your attitudes about money might just be the smartest financial decision you will ever make. In fact, when it comes to finances, your marriage is likely to be your most valuable asset — or your largest liability.

Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. For centuries, marriages were arranged affairs, aligning families for economic or political purposes or simply pooling the resources of those scraping by.

Today, while most of us marry for romantic reasons, marriage at its core is still a financial union. So much of what we want — or don’t want — out of life boils down to dollars and cents, whether it’s how hard we choose to work, how much we consume or how much we save. For some people, it’s working 80-hour weeks to finance a third home and country club membership; for others, it means cutting back on office hours to spend more time with the family.

“A lot of the debates people have about money are code for how we want to live our lives,” said Betsey Stevenson, assistant professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, who researches the economics of marriage and divorce. “A lot of the choices we make in how we want to live our lives involve how we spend our money.”

Making those choices as a team is one of the most important ways to preserve your marital assets, and your union, experts say. But it’s that much easier when you already share similar outlooks on money matters — or when you can, at the very least, find some middle ground.

The economies achieved by pairing up are fairly obvious. However, the costs of divorce can be financially devastating, especially when children are involved. And, not surprisingly, money manages to force a wide wedge between many couples.

“Most people think people break up over sex issues and children issues — and those are issues — but money is a huge factor in breaking up marriages,” said Susan Reach Winters, a divorce lawyer in Short Hills, N.J.

Not everyone is married to a financial twin, and that’s not necessarily a problem. There are several ways that you and your significant other can become more compatible, and ultimately more prosperous, when it comes to money.

These guidelines are compiled from the successfully married and from experts on psychology, divorce and finance:

TALK AND SHARE GOALS Before walking down the aisle, couples should have a talk about their financial health and goals. They should ask each other tough questions: Do we want children? When? Who will care for them? Will they go to public or private school? What kind of life do we want? When will we retire?

“In my ideal plan for couples, they would have a meeting every week on their finances,” said Karen Altfest, a financial planner who runs the New York firm L. J. Altfest & Company, with her husband, Lewis. “That way, they are in sync with each other’s goals.”

Set those goals together. Jerry Ballard, 58, a former insurance executive in Houston, said that he and his wife of 36 years, Susan, also 58, managed to avoid money clashes because they share a savings philosophy. “The cardinal rule was that we don’t interrupt our savings,” he said, adding that they saved between 10 and 20 percent of their salaries each year. As long as they did that, they were less likely to disagree about spending.

Eric Gundlach, 53, of Owings Mills, Md., who has been married for 29 years, said he and his wife, Ann-Michele, “made our expectations explicit.” These included sending their son to private school and having big experiences, like traveling, in lieu of purchasing things.

RUN A HOME LIKE A BUSINESS Make a budget and keep track of earnings, expenses and debts. And structure your business as a partnership; when it comes to making big financial decisions and setting goals, do it together. “When they are making the decisions together, they really have ownership of those decisions and any results of those decisions,” said Mary Ann Sisco, national wealth adviser at JPMorgan’s private wealth management division. “Even if you have negative results, you tend to weather the storm better.”

Share responsibilities, too. Though one partner tends to control the finances, advisers recommend rotating tasks. One person should handle investments for a certain period, while the other pays the bills; rotate and repeat.

BE SUPPORTIVE OF CAREERS Having a supportive partner helps you professionally, which should trickle down to your mutual bottom line. “Marrying the right person helps you succeed in your career through encouragement and support, the only kind of support that comes through a supportive, intimate relationship,” said Mr. Gundlach, whose wife backed his decision to start a management consulting practice after 22 years as a human resources executive.

ENJOY, BUT WITHIN REASON Create a cash cushion, and live a lifestyle you can sustain. Many people who were working at hedge funds that went bust or financial firms like Bear Stearns are learning these lessons now. Ms. Sisco, of JPMorgan, said that because her younger clients haven’t experienced a downturn, they assumed the money would keep pouring in.

She said she is working with one couple in their early 30s who have two young children. Right before the husband lost his job on Wall Street, the couple had ordered $35,000 drapes. They had to move to a smaller apartment in Manhattan and had to sell their vacation home.

USE A MEDIATOR Perhaps both of you have strong yet divergent opinions about how to invest. Or maybe you are a saver while your spouse prefers to hand over a big piece of earnings to Bavarian Motor Works. An independent third party, whether a financial planner or a therapist, can help you find a middle ground.

Marc B. Schindler, a financial planner at Pivot Point Advisors in Bellaire, Tex., recently did this for a client who complained that his wife spent a thousand dollars a month on her wardrobe. Mr. Schindler then contacted the wife, who said her husband spent just as much on dinner with his buddies. So the husband asked Mr. Schindler to show how much they would save if they invested the $12,000 she spent each year. Mr. Schindler — careful to title the report “Clothing, Dinner or Invested?” — ran an analysis and found that the couple would have $1.6 million after 28 years, assuming a 9 percent rate of return. “They are going to try and compromise,” he said.

MAINTAIN SOME INDEPENDENCE Pooling resources is important, but so is maintaining a degree of financial independence. Carve out some money for both partners to spend on things that make them happy. And when paring back, it’s essential that each person make sacrifices.

INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE Spend it — time and money — together. Go on dates. “What that does is enliven the marital foundation,” said Gary S. Shunk, a Chicago therapist who specializes in wealth issues. “It’s a kind of investment into the heart and soul of the relationship.”

Think of it as dollar-cost averaging your marriage, where you make small investments over time. If you wait until retirement, it could be too late.

Melanie Schnoll-Begun, a managing director in the Citigroup Family Office, worked with a couple that waited too long. The husband had amassed great wealth for the family, and his wife kept a beautiful home. But once the husband retired, “they found out that over the years they grew so far apart that they didn’t have enough in common,” she said.

“They had this magnificent wealth, and it was the building of this wealth that ultimately led to their divorce.”

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Bounty: If we could shrink the Earth’s population to a village of exactly 100 people, with the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, north and south
8 Africans
52 females
48 males
70 would be non-white
30 would be Christian
6 people would have 59% of the entire wealth and all 6 would be from the US
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would have a college education

When one understands our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding, and education become apparent. Consider the following:

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of the people on the planet.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and some spare change in a dish some place, you are among the 8% most wealthy people in the world.

Though we all find ourselves contemplating the ways our lives could be better or more comfortable, there is little argument that we each live like kings and queens compared to billions of other people throughout the world. In spite of that, it’s easy for all of us to take what we have for granted, whether it be our material well-being, good health, or the love and companionship of family or dear friends.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

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Greatness:

Nelson Mandela:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that must frighten us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talneted and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not in just some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
1994 Inaugural Speech

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Love:

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

The Bible

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Interconnectedness:

“A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe’; a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest: a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely but striving for such achievement is, in itself, a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

Albert Einstein

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“Reality is that you have to be infinite because you come from the Infinite, you are part of Infinity, and you are to merge in Infinity. You can’t be limited. You try to limit yourself because of insecurity, that’s why you are so tightly holding on to your space. When a person is tied down and can’t move, he gets fatigued. Expansion gives you the capacity of enjoyment.” Yogi Bhajan 7/2/92

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and more Love:

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone
could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all
the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy -age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy
and
Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”
Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,”
Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.” (what an imagination)
Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t
think it’s gross.”
Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing
the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just
helped him cry”